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I regret not having an abortion

 

Sorry if this is too long... I need to vent.
When I was 17, I started dating a guy I met at a church picnic, he was 21. We immediately hit it off, he was great. However, he had a dark side. He became physically and verbally abusive when we were alone. He was a very caring and nice guy in public. I broke up with him and moved in with my sister when I graduated high school. I was going to college and wanted to be a nurse. I was doing very well in school and had really good grades. Not dating anybody, I stopped birth control. Somehow, my ex-bf found out where I lived and started harrasing me. I ignored him, told him it was over, and my school had priority. One day I was going to the gym at school and he got me into his car. He sexually abused me in his car before letting me go.

I found out I was pregnant a little over a month later. My first thought was I wanted an abortion. I came back home and explained what happened to my parents. They were supportive and told me, no matter what, do not abort the baby. People at church were also supportive, they gave me a lot of baby stuff. I really wanted an abortion, but by now it was too late. I would feel excomunicated from my family and church if I did that. The father of the baby moved away after my dad threatened to report to the police. Apparently he also had issues with another girl he dated, so he just moved away. We never reported, I didn't want to. After all, he was the father of my child. I don't even know where he is right now.

I dropped out of school and started working part-time. My parents took care of the baby while I worked. I loved him, I was so happy I didn't have an abortion at the time. Mother instinct is so strong. Baby and toddler years are so beautiful. They pass by so quickly, though.... However, the years to follow were very hard. My family did not have much money, my dad was too sick and needed to be on disability. The help and support from church stopped after the baby was born. Now I was just the "single mother". They never treated me the same, most didn't even believe me I was raped, all they saw is that I was "a single mother". I worked hard for my kid. I never had the chance to go back to school, I lost all my girlfriends, it was all work and child.

Now, he is 18 and I feel I'm living my nightmare again. He has been caught stealing multiple times. He even steals from my purse. I have even called the police on him myself. I know he is using drugs. I've tried to force him into rehab but he doesn't even admit he is using drugs. A 17 yr old girl claims that he has abused her, but my son denies it. I want to believe him, but deep down inside I believe her.

I never dated again. I gave up my life and all my dreams. I worked hard. All for him. People say that if you abort, you could be killing the next president. Let me tell you chances are higher that you may be killing a future gang member instead. It goes both ways. I wish I had kept my pregnancy secret and continued w the abortion as I originally planned 18 yrs ago. Just to let you know, there ARE women that regret not having an abortion, they just deny it. It is just more politically correct to admit you made a mistake aborting than not. Even to this day, I feel horrible when I admit that I should have done it. I'm sick and tired of the lies, of the abortion debate. If you disagree with abortion, then don't have one. It will not affect you at all if it remains legal, but it will affect adversely the lives of many if it is criminalized. Just don't force it down to everybody else. It may be a mistake.


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I regret not having and abortion

I am a mother of five and this may sound odd but I have days where I regret not having two abortions. Mainly because these two are hard to deal with, there's always some sort of conflict or something to deal with, and the main problem is the father.
I was 15 (he was also 15) when we met at a church convention. I pretty much blew him off but he got my number from my cousin and from there our phone conversations let to "dating." He lived in a different town so we didn't see one another that often. After awhile I met another boy that lived in town and we started talking. I should have just been honest and told him that I was losing be interest but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But he found out that I had been talking to someone else and it completely devastated him and I felt so horrible once I realized that I hurt his feelings so much that I was willing to do anything to make up for it. I was a virgin at the time and in my nieve mind I thought that I could make the ultimate pledge and show him how much I really cared about him. Well, I did it and I got pregnant the very first time. The weeks following that, he became very verbally/emotionally abusive. He moved to the town I was from and started dating girls that used to be in my class that were supposed to be my friends. He was so manipulative and I was so heartbroken and young. I was pregnant with a child and he was out still getting to be a to be a regular teenager. There's so much more to the story but long story short. My head got pretty screwed up from that whole situation. My ideas about love and trust had been very distorted. I had a son and then after several other messed up relationships and a child with another man. We ended up having another son that was I was left to raise all three boys on my own. When my youngest son was two I met my husband. He is very loving and takes very good care of all of us. He and I had two sons together. My boys are now 19, 14, 12, 8, and 3. My 19 yo and 12 yo are with the nightmare I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Their father still to this day is emotionally abusive towards me, he has NEVER taken any responsibility for any costs of raising them. He just recently started paying child support after having eight years of past support erased somehow. They've had/braces surgeries, hospitalization sand he's never paid a penny and if I ask for help with finances with anything he goes ballistic. He has very little contact with them (like sees them maybe a couple times a year) and then tells people it's be I won't let him see them. Which is totally not the case. I would have loved and still would love to have a break sometimes. The nineteen yo moved back home and had lived here for almost three months and still won't get a job. He has no desire to talk to his bio father and no motivation. He acts so much like his dad it makes me not want to be around him. My 12 yo is very defiant and mouthy. Here is where I get to my point... My husband and I have two boys and our relationship and life with them are awesome. We have a challenging moments but e handle them together. That selfish little part of me pops in and thinks how much easier and how much pain I could have saved myself and my now family if I never would have had children with a manipulative loser


 

Me too

I could have written this. And for those of you who say it wil,get better. No it won't. I got pregnant unexpectedly and when I confided in people they told me not to get an abortion. Now my daughter is very screwed up thanks to me. She has mental illness, she is an addict and tries to kill herself all the time. It is a special kind of hell watching your kid live in agony because she instinctively knows she was unwanted, and know that you caused it. Having an abortion would have been more human than watching her tortured existence.


 

Sympathetic but realist

First of all, he is only 18 and he was raised by a single mom with no father in his life. Statistically he is likely to have some issues but he is still very young.

Have you considered that you may have borderline personality disorder or narcissism? I don't mean that mean or offensively but honestly, ask yourself if maybe you need support and therapy.

In your post you make yourself 100% victim and don't seem to accept any responsibility.

All of us have issues and character flaws. Don't demonize your son. Try to empathize with him and with yourself. Love yourself. Most of us aren't going to be presidents or vicious criminals. Most of us fall somewhere in between.


 

Why are you here?

by: kersnackety

Your one post at this website, and you have dredged up a post written in 2010 to reply to. Did you find it on some google search?

click on 'Abortion' up at the top

Home > Discussion Boards > Pregnancy > Abortion

to see the forum here as it is today.


Do keep your amateur psychoanalysis to yourself if you join in further though. Funny ... I was just telling another poster here the tale of how, after I was abducted, choked and raped and escaped murder by my quick wits and feet, a psychiatrist told me I had a rape wish and a death wish and needed psychoanalysing. I didn't, and I didn't.

The story told by the original poster here is really quite classic: an abusive relationship at a young age, and an entourage that exerted pressure for reasons having nothing to do with her own interests, that was also abusive in so doing: family and church. Especially church (note how the abusive relationship originated in the church).

Absolutely classic tale of the fundie Christian attitude toward women's reproductive crises: all over her with love and support and baby clothes as long as it took for it to be too late for her to terminate the pregnancy, scorn and vilification once the pregnancy was over. They love their fetuses, those people, and they don't give a crap about the children or their mothers. She was used for *their* purposes, and tossed away.

There is not the slightest thing in her story that suggests borderline personality disorder (too often a diagnosis applied to women who do what is expected of them in this society when it annoys someone else), nor is there anything that suggests narcissism (despite the "narcissistic mother" fad of recent years, narcissistic personality disorder is an overwhelmingly male phenomenon, and in fact it, if not a more serious diagnosis like psychopathic personality disorder, applies to men like this woman's partner).

Women who escape from relationships like that may well have saved their lives. Have a read of the tale of Sylvie Daigle and Jean-Guy Tremblay:

http://www.thestar.com/news/2008/09/23/will_predators_reign_come_to_an_end.html


It is highly inappropriate for you to come here and tell an abused woman (who fortunately will not likely ever see these messages) that she should consider the idea that she has a personality disorder. Really highly inappropriate.

Advising someone that counselling or therapy could be helpful is one thing. Diagnosis by internet, especially diagnoses as trendy and anti-woman as these, no.


As for wishing one had had an abortion ... it's really the same as wishing one hadn't ... we don't have crystal balls to show us the alternate timelines of our lives. They are infinite in number. Some would have been better, some worse. None of them happened, and we can't know how life would have turned out if any one choice we made in our life had been decided differently.

This woman's life could have turned out worse if she had had an abortion, for reasons not directly related to the abortion itself, but simply because of different choices she might have made afterward in that case.

Her son's behaviour is not irremediable, and few children's behaviour can be blamed directly on their parents.

Nonetheless, the poster did make a valid point: there is no guarantee that the choice not to terminate a pregnancy will have a happy outcome.


 

No easy answers

I feel sad life has turned out this way for you. Your son is still young and so are you, he may still mature towards being a responsible person. You have written an honest account of what happened to you and your feelings now.
What would you like to do with your life now? Is it possible for you to return to study?
Let us know how you are getting on.
All the best Casey


 

Courage

This is really brave of you to post. You're right, it's completely un politically correct but the truth is the truth. I'm sorry you went through what you went through- you are still young. Don't give up on yourself- you start over today. But thank you for writing this very honest piece. Maybe you should write a book.


 

Good to hear from you

Hi dowhatyouwant
The stories on here are all so individual and it is clear that all people are suffering whatever they choose. I just hope that more compassion can be shown to all people. Has your son met his father? Do you ever talk to your son about what happened?
All the best Casey


 

Hi

by: lostteen11

it is probably because you never loved him that he turned out that way. If you would've given him up for adoption. Maybe he'd have had the family he needed. Maybe he would've been a better person. You still don't know what he'll do in his life. You seem to only be concerned about yourself. Not about him for the loss of your son if he is this bad. If you ever loved him you wouldn't be just yourself. It's obvious you should've never raised a child.

I was also the result of rape I just recently found out. Which has changed what I'm planing with this pregnancy. I think you should've realized your emotional problems and given it away since you had your issues.


 

Hi ladies

by: beherenow1

Dear dowhatyouwant, if you are still out there on the forum, ... I suspect from what you've written that you did love your son at one time, and probably you will learn to again. Like Casey said, he's young and so are you! If he can get some help and help himself, he may turn out ok and you will again be glad you had him. It may take time, it may take years, but there's always hope. Don't stop believing in him and in yourself

Lostteen, what an earth-shaking thing to find out! My heart goes out to you. How has it changed your planning for your pregnancy, what do you think you will do?

Wish you both peace and hope in these difficult times.


 

Hi

by: lostteen11

I think I want to keep it despite everything. I mean not all kids are born into perfect situations.


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